i go to work.
i go home.
i walk the puppy.
we watch movies that have won independent awards.
i give her belly rubs.
i drink beer eat green beans and make veal parmesan.
all my friends are getting married.
i'm invited to a bridal/baby shower once a week.
i'm with a man i love but don't see
i'm with a man that i havent talked to in months
i'm with a man and we fuck once in awhile
i'm with a man who monitors me...and my general disposition and then makes me feel like shit for anything remotely beautiful that i give to someone else in my words...
i can't have friends
i can't kiss who i want to
i can't be happy
we used to
we used to
we used to
lay around on lunch breaks eating kraft dinner and fuckin
we used to
chat all night online, write little sms's to say hi
we used to
talk until dawn, interupted only with fuck sessions or midnight breath kisses
we used to
walk holding hands
we used to
be happy

and now
we're just here.
two beings floating around a time that we've created

i hate it
i feel emptier than i've ever felt
and all i want to do is fuck and lay around and talk about something...
all i want is to find someone
not even someone that i wanna spend the rest of my life with
just someone to spend now with

i'm hanging out with tricia's ex-boyfriend
who knows about beauty and love and having both and then not having both
and he explains physics to me, and i explain literature, and we mesh them together using beer as glue, finishing the night with a huge ball of everything logical and literary
i love the movie snowcake
i bought it and have been watching it for days
i have sexual dreams about alan rickman
i got to do a powerpoint presentation and it was good because i could create something tangible and pretty
i miss beauty
i miss art galleries
i miss finding passion and love IN someone
and i don't
i don't
know what to do
so i drink a lot of tea
i go to work
i got home
i walk the puppy
i watch movies
and i wish you were here.

i miss you too.
i don't know what to do.

talk to me
write to me
tell me things so i can find beauty and passion in something
my best friend in high school drove a hearse. we used to lay in the back and look at the stars. it's a weird forced juxtaposition that is inexplicable. her name was pam. i loved her to death. she's married now. and happy. and pretty. my boyfriend in high school drove a fiero that he built. it was too small to lay in but we used to fuck. somehow. i don't know how.

i miss things
and i don't even know if i know
what they are.

truly