how does it start.
it starts like this.

you go to visit someone, could be anyone, could be a random party that someone who knows someone who knows you or a stupid freakin hallowe'en party in which grown adults dress up like random whorish somebodies because tonight is the night where it's acceptable or it could be your friend who jumps from one guy to the next but never has anyone on valentine's day and so every valentine's day throws a valentine's day sucks party and invites you because she correctly believes you agree, valentines day does suck, and you go every year because although you often do have a guy you couldn't care less about this day out of all the days and holidays and made up nothingness all in all it is a complete and random start of a complete and random trip down the getting to know someone well enough to stop by randomly and this time it happens fairly randomly but not without some pre-meditation on the part of the surprise friend who's walked into you and stayed, enough so if it were a crime she would be guilt guilt guilty. so you go and meet everyone after saying you'd never do this again, after writing it off, after being happy at home with the dogs running under your feet and having your couple heinekens and going to bed holding a pillow in one arm and a puggle in the other, you throw the comfort, the write offs, and put on your gap jeans and low-ish cut shirt and go out and feast your eyes on the quiet relatively good looking guy in the corner and start doing your thing where you get that look on your face as you're going in for the kill kill for the killer kiss kiss and you two hit it off because you always hit it off and he's quiet and normal and has a house and it's clean and and and he cooks and his kid knows your sister and they talk and you start taking the short drive to his house for a beer once in a while, and he always hugs hello and hugs goodbye and says your name with a glitter of the mouth and he invites you over and you invite him over, and everything's good again and you kinda have someone again and you're learning and watching and talking and figuring him out and scared as shit that once you figure him out he'll annoy you and why this pattern? and in back of your mind you know this isn't a forever thing might even be a lonely thing might even be a tired of everyone else thing and then you open up and then you let people walk into you and then your friends stop by on their way home or to work or out and you sit, beer in one hand, smoke filled kitchen, puggle runs and stories and stories and laughing and teasing and suddenly you've opened yourself up to a town you hate(d) more than anything and you have a community of people who stop by, a community of surroundedness, a community(!) and from this community from all the stop bys and all the parties, lame as they are, all the mundane and utterly unintellectual conversations you stop by one night for a beer and have the single best kiss you've ever been given in your entire life and when you look at him in shock and ease and mutter 'you've got a mouth on you' and he smiles and leans in for the killer kiss kiss you think the move, the loneliness, the town you fuckin hate(d), is all

worth it.

“Just remember, the same as a spectacular Vogue magazine, remember that no matter how close you follow the jumps: Continued on page whatever. No matter how careful you are, there's going to be the sense you missed something, the collapsed feeling under your skin that you didn't experience it all. There's that fallen heart feeling that you rushed right through the moments where you should've been paying attention. Well, get used to that feeling. That's how your whole life will feel some day. This is all practice. None of this matters. We're just warming up.” chuck palahniuk...

It's too cold to write anything dammit.

WHOAH