IN RETROSPECT(NESS)

I was walking through the sheets. Sick in bed sick in heart of you for you nailed to bed frame wrapped in old newspapers ripped papers sick walking through the sheets to find you see you again where have you been? remember the first I saw you?

you swallowed the memory hiding deep within your afflicted body-less body protected in robes of internal remains memories.


I was walking through the sheets laying sick i am because of you the NOT you the HALF you before locked in my mind NEAR but FAR can’t get it all in producing production your smell walking walking through waking awoken but the NONE-NESS of you not here. Before when you weren’t here. Before when you weren’t here and I awoke YOU-LESS it wasn’t really an absence you were never here but then after the absence you were here and now an absence.

You said you gave up the things you loved and one of them was me. And clouds and clouds in my tea. Clouds in my tea and you in the beats in my toes.

I saw I saw I saw in a movie once I’ve read before the movies that when someone is absent one should fall asleep holding a pillow in an attempt to curb the absence they KNOW will come. They KNOW is there. When I first seeped into you, you ran fingers pore-filled with me over me. Feathers you never were, down filled polyester cannot replace you. maybe I’m a smart sleeper. Pillows don’t snore, or roll over me

Pillows don’t cry scream scarred and living
Pillows don’t cry scream scarred living
Pillows don’t cry scream scar scared.

When you look back, so many memories fill the mind, the hopes and joys tears and sorrow laughter and song, and yet woven tightly throughout every memory is the love you share(d)

Cry scream scarred I am pillows make me aware in sleep upon awakening of the lack of you that is only a lack because you were here are to be HERE supposed to be here, now I lie in bed a top of bed under my bed sick I am sick without you isolated in emptiness of the absence of your presence. Walking walking through the sheets, not dirtied not clean empty unslept on why can’t I see you? where have you been? why weren’t you aren’t you here?

Hyphenated my sickness lives in hyphenation. Throat-less unable to eat think sleep throat-less back when you walked on brain matters through grey panelled cracked forced scanned door walked through you walked through turning around all the way a pillar of salt you’re not even punished for actions, it is I a pillar of air-less molecule-less pierce apart paned glare-less maybe sun-less they are you less we all are laying under the bed I can see out my window the channel blue black pounding my bed my channel pounding black blue bruised battered empty.