"the traffic was whizzing by
i was homesick and i was high" - Ani: Hypnotized

so that's kinda how it starts. me sitting alone in my little room, while everything around whizzes by and around and over me, homesick, love sick, sickfully alone, and he calls, rage filled desperation leading his blind words out of his mouth attempting to positively affect me. affect they do but there is no positivity in the exodus and i think a moment, a splintered rattled memory second crashing around in my brain, of kissing him...

in the way we never did awkward and asexually static filled with nothing but a desire for something else a hunger, an emptiness caused by the strangling presence of nothingness.

second guessing everything about myself, from the dullness of my razor to my haircut to the way my lips open and nestle around fingertips to the way i think act stagger feel see...to the way i so easily walk away push away glance back for a moment a salt less figure behind me stuck in everything they always said about me.

sometimes it's just too hard to go back i think...
sometimes there's nothing to go back to...
sometimes there was never anything there but attempt
turned inward contemptuous words breed contemptuous thoughts
maybe this is all there ever is