Monday, October 29, 2007

Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart...
-- wordsworth

i'm thinking of writing. and the sudden inability to have little to say onto the page. i'm thinking of the idea of an audience, someone or something or some mass of people that will collectively gather their consciousness together and wander through words i created. i don't know if it is the sudden lack of audience or the sudden interest of an audience that has made my writing heart wince, clench up into a ball, roll over defeated and whimper noooooooooo...

and it's not that there is nothing to say. there is much to say. there is one really big thing to say and yet and yet and yet...

nothing.

in other news i went to shopper's drug mart today and bought a pair of $13 reading glasses. it's a terrible thing to be a writer and a reader and suddenly feel your vision seeping away. joyce wrote the last part of the wake almost completely blind, on huge sheets of butcher paper, in crayon...i remember when i was told that story how deeply it affected me. that a man, with such a gift, such a story to TELL to transcribe suddenly becomes completely without the ability to do so, and not because of his hand, not because of the instrument which MAKES the story, not even the mind but because of what SEES the creation in process. it's a bit like the audience thing...maybe i'm having trouble seeing what i write, really SEEING it...dr. penelope used to talk about the 'writers' eye in this weird kinda eastern buddist way, the kinda third eye the writer has or has to have as audience in the creation...when you feel it slipping, i think you'll do anything, butcher paper and crayons to hold onto it.

the thing is...gravity has always been beyond me. and as a rule, i don't know i'm slipping until i've fallen head first and limb splayed outside on some massively populated parking lot.

do any of us really have anything to say? really? it's the whole those who came before me have already said it. how many love stories can be told? the fear of failing in comparison isn't as strong as the fear of creating something that has been created before.

ohhhhh my little writer's eye is squinting...

Saturday, October 27, 2007

self staggering + reading

There are very very few writers/books I find funny. the problem being my obvious penchant for the hilarity of people being momentarily physically injured. Sedaris sometimes. But this book, "She Got Up Off the Couch" by Haven Kimmel cracks me up almost on every page. She's from Indiana but I swear she grew up in Fort Erie in my family. And she's not trying to be funny. Sedaris is contrived sometimes but honestly, these are the funniest unintentional things I've read in a LONG time...and she's a Quaker. Why are these writers that grew up in weird kinda religious homes so funny and such great story tellers? Maybe cause I grew up in a weird kinda religious home...so Catholics are weird and Quakers are funny.

We kept a fifty-pound bag of dog food on the back porch, and one evening my dad reached in with the dog's pan and a rat ran up his arm. Dad threw the pan so hard it broke the light fixture above the door, and in trying to shake the rat off, spun himself around in a circle and smacked his head against the door frame.

I don't know why, but this made me do the weird giggle snort that gets stuck up my nose noise...it was the hitting the door frame...

A Short List of Records my Father Threatened to Break Over My Head If I Played Them One More Time:

3. Someone Saved my Life Tonight by Elton John: I understood only one line of this song: "And butterflies are free to fly, fly away." The rest was completely lost on me. I assumed the British did not speak English, which was a puzzle as they were sometimes referred to as the English. Not understanding the lyrics required me to listen to the song hundreds, perhaps thousands of times, filling in with nonsense words, which my sister said made me look oxygen deprived and sad.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Tell me you know who wouldn't win...

http://bix.yahoo.com/contest/23416

Monday, October 22, 2007

i promise i haven't fallen off the face of the earth.

just into me a bit.

and i didn't know the rules gob. now i do, it shall never occur again.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

the infamous wedding.

The infamous bone battle.

it went on FOREVER.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

two days in fort erie "watching" annie, who oddly enough, i've seen for about two 30 minutes intervals during dinner. the rest of the time spend in one of her little caves upstairs or down.

kids are weeeeird these days.

kinda rolling out of dim rooms, the only light computer or tv screens and wince wince wincing at the sun upon embarking on outdoor activities.

molly hurt her toe so she's kinda icky.

and i'm just working away and doing my thing.

i don't really miss the sauga too much which is odd because i usually get antsy around day 2, but i think the whole lonnnng wedding - thanksgiving - thanksgiving again thing kinda supersaturated my need or ability to engage with people.

i do miss the gardener though.

sigh.

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Friday, October 05, 2007

Oh and...

I LOVE this...

Why didn't I think of that?
Thanks g...

Thursday, October 04, 2007

I got to wear this today.

I am deeply considering the whole go back to school and get my CNS thing that BMH's been pushing for years.

I do love it.

I can't tell you WHERE i was today but i can tell you i met 4 old women in a hospital room, and their combined ages were 383. they were all so sharp and sweet and funny. the one women, little italian lady, lives alone in a three storey house, and burned herself while she was cooking soup FOR THE WEEK. i told her i would come live with her and she could take care of me. i don't know what was wrong with the other 3 but they looked fine to me. it was like mama's family in there. one of them had the cutest little old lady voice omg, it was like a tv cliche old lady voice.

it is shocking how much i talk and act like my mother in the clinical setting.

sigh.

it just feels like i've done enough school y'know? and yet, there's this weird incredible urge to do this.

this urge urged last time i worked in the clinical setting. i should have listened to it rather than the whole education insanity.

a posse ad esse...

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

yesterday i woke up to the teeniest tiniest cutest little hickey.

today i have meetings in fort erie.

tomorrow i have clinical rounds (i SO feel like i'm on house)...

and it goes on and on and on and on...

i'm getting a little tired...like not like sleep for 3 days tired but running around thinking all the time tired and it has been SO VERY LONG since i've had that...like since student teaching probably. i can't say i got any of it at 511.

hummmmmm...

the 511 student, jd, is quitting.

i haven't heard from the freak.

i miss the gardener.

i really just have to pee and am trying to finish this as quick as possible, because i'm sitting at BMH's desk and there are incontinence flyers and products staring me in the face

OK

more LATER

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

yeah so molly and i have decided that we want to live as near to the elora gorge as humanly possible. molly LOVES it...



Really, the fact that my apartment is ONE ROOM with very little cute knick knacks (if any)...the only thing i could possibly throw out is the stupid shit he ever bought me (which i already have...the accordian GOD...) and the stupid shit i bought him that he sent back.

Beyond that, i have no choice but to accept this as metaphor...

Move the furniture around. In fact, why not move some of it right through the front door and out of your life? If we're lucky, this will get you in the mood to launch a purge of everything that no longer belongs under your roof. Maybe you could throw a Simplification Party, complete with an exorcism. Or corral your friends for a haul-it-all-away caravan to the garbage dump. I don't care how you do it, Cancerian. Just get rid of all knick-knacks, wall hangings, funny mirrors, broken dreams, balls and chains, and formerly cute mementoes that have lost their cuteness. It's time to liberate your home.
random 6am thoughts...

1. having a coming out party, posting posters all over port credit advertising, with a random date when all friends, acquintances and random gay people would randomly show up at his place. (this was a very very vivid dream).

2. the way the gardener tastes...wine slurpy kisses (which is kinda the gardener's line but i forget the EXACTNESS of it.)

3. the way the gardener tastes in the morning.

4. the way he says good-bye, walking up the stairs little coveralls and work boots clunking up the stairs...

i sent him with lunch this morning which is odd in that he generally doesn't take lunch, but he did, and i reminded myself of my mother. utterly. packing everything just so, placing apple on top with cutlery and a little bottle of the cider we bought at the farmer's market, then writing a little love note totally cheesy while he dresses in the other room...

i'm falling into him hard.

and i like it.

a lot.

it feels so different to start loving someone who loves back, who isn't competing...

and you know i've never ever ever even wanted to BEGIN this whole argument because i find it way egotistical to ever say this in a self reflective manner but it just seems my entire life, from my mother to my sister to any man i've ever dated to most of the friends i've ever had to my inability for the most part to have any friends forever and any man that wasn't psychotic...that everything is a constant constant state of competition. and the artist writes that [blank] is being crazy because he thinks i've won or whatever which is just so INSANE to me...and i'm a competitive person but not within relationships y'know? at it's core, aren't mutually beneficial relationships supposed to be some give and take, some reciprocation, some working together for the attainment of a same goal? but then like yesterday in all these meetings with BMH, i'm sitting there at like the 6th hour of the last one, and it just completely strikes me that we are all....9 people....working toward ONE GOAL and that never ever happened with [blank]. really. it was always him trying to WIN and in any relationship moment we've had it was kinda the same thing...

and (metaphorically) the night i drank him under the table and was still coherent enough to brag about it was the day he lost his mind. well, that or the coke i suppose. and i get the napolean complex, the dysmorphophobia, as well as the whole locker room syndrome thing or SPS or whatever (the guy drove a suburban when i met him...COME ON)...but i'm just not nuturing enough to these concerns (i think it's stupid) nor able to have a complete disassociation of temperment, character and physical deformaties.

hummmmmmmm....

so now i'm thinking because the gardener had this cute little look and looks at me and says 'why do you think they all end like this..." and "maybe it's you" which is pretty funny and we have this running joke like "OH here comes the real sarah" but and i know i have to try at this...i don't REALLY think it's me. kinda. to a point. and the point is this...

i am VERY easy going with men. really. i have, as the artist says, no hang-ups. which is i believe a good thing. the bad thing, and i know those of you who know know me won't believe this but if we all stop and think i think it will become clear...i'm a bit too easy going and a bit of a push over. sleeping with someone else? well whatever. illegal drugs? oh well, i'll help. out every night of the week with other men and women? have fun...MISS MY FREAKIN BIRTHDAY? it just goes on and on and on...so i think when i let so much be gotten away with, and then i finally leave or whatever...it's this final NO after very little NO's and it makes them nutty. which isn't to say there hasn't been ANY no's...the black eye was a no. so was the broken window. but i think that was more a power struggle than a definite no-ness. if there is such a thing. and then things he's done...top those two defining sarah no moments. really.

(so hands up, walking backwards waving the white flag YOU WIN. i don't understand the competition i don't know how i even got into the competition but ummm yeah you win, gold star or whatever you expect now. you got me. now leave me alone. forever. is the state of mind at this point.)

so the best i can do, what i've figured out, is to find someone who is not in the words of BMH a slimy creep and hope i won't have to deal with the drugs and women and drinking and slightly sexually off situations.

and i think i maybe found him.

not like "where's my pen? WHOOPS there's the little guy" found, i mean found like trust him and trust myself with him for us to do this.

happily.

ever.

Monday, October 01, 2007

so

i. don't. even. want. to. give. any. more. enabling. words.

but...

i wrote something really liberating and REALLY mean last night. i'd like to post it but only in a vindictive way and the things he does that then makes me respond in that way is enabling. and i can use that word because he doesn't know what it means. which is a yardstick for the future. indeed. any dateable man must know the common psychological term 'enabling' that way when i say it, and refuse to do it they will know what i'm saying and what i'm refusing.

there are random eminem songs floating in and out and in and out of my head. you can guess them. one is about throwing up and one is about kim. huh. weird.

i had the best day of my life with NORMAL BUSINESS MEN (who knew? it's not about getting drunk and making raunchy boob jokes in front of me. there are business people who don't swear and actually DO STUFF IN THE FIRST MEETING).

ANYWAY

i will end this thread of my life with the following...(props to sinead, you really have to HEAR it to get it, but i can't grasp the whole upload a song thing, even with GOB's step by step DYC directions...i suck...) so. with this. goodbye. and good luck. or whatever. nhfjdshfou7yuhfku&*&**()((&(*&F*&(*FEWYFHFN.

ERG.

Phew.

This is the last day of our acquaintance
I will meet you later in somebody's office
I'll talk but you won't listen to me
I know what your answer will be
I know you don't love me anymore
You used to hold my hand when the plane took off
Two years ago there just seemed so much more
And I don't know what happened to our love
Today's the day
Our friendship has been stale
And we will meet later to finalize the details
Two years ago the seed was planted
And since then you have taken me for granted
But this is the last day of our acquaintance
I will meet you later in somebody's office
I'll talk but you won't listen to me
I know your answer already
But this is the last day of our acquaintance
I will meet you later in somebody's office
I'll talk but you won't listen to me
I know your answer already
I know your answer already
I know your answer already

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