I’m working on a curriculum all week, actually Sunday – Tuesday when I’m supposed to be in Peterborough teaching, I’m here trying to re-work a curriculum in which the nurse who wrote it wrote “centred” for “centered” through the entire 200 pages. So last night I had a total melt down and deleted the entire thing and am now re-writing it.

and the other night I went for dinner with *** and kids and it ended gooooood and apart from civil every couple day emails I don’t hear from him which is really really great in a non-sarcastic way, just in a way, and I told him I didn’t want to ever do the whole relationship thing again and he agreed so now we’re friends who hold each other every couple of days when the need to hold something become non-negotiable…then this guy who talks like alan rickman though he says he doesn't i think he does and is pretty fuckin charming...and the landscaper was over last week? And it was good…then calls yesterday morning at like 7am and says he needs to see me and he sounds all weird and I think god someone’s died and I don’t have the ability to deal with this this Sunday morning, but he comes over, clean shaven, well dressed, shirt starched, totally hot as hell, and looks all weird and comes in while I’m making molly’s eggs, and holds me and kisses me long and deep and says he just has to see me, he misses me and doesn’t know that he doesn’t know what to do, and then in 15 mins. is gone for a family thing with the other hw, and when alan rickman is over with coffee and croissants I tell him the story and he says that I have to take control and stop just going with the flow and I’m all like the going with the flow thing is my new mantra and he tells me to shut up which is cute only because of the accent and he laughs at my replies and says I’m too smart for people and I sigh, and the other night after the landscaper and I watched walk the line and talked about Johnny Cash and he helped me get my shirt off and into bed and into his arms, before that he read Dante to me in the dark in Italian while I gleeming peering over his shoulder and read the English translations…

And there's a wedding, which is great, it's a good wedding and one which i am happy to go to (almost except for the weird anxiety thing) and the landscaper is coming with me which settle settle settles me, and i can wear the pretty new dress which is cute only because it will be the landscaper who will appreciate it and call me gorgeous and take my hand and i'll be happy and full...

And life is good. I just don’t need anything else falling from the sky at me y’know?

I think I’m somehow making peace.